An Ignorant Suicide

Puppun was completely heart broken and torn into pieces after the conversation with Laily over the phone. He was wondering, how could she say, ‘Puppun, I am no more in love with you. I felt so much complete, when Rahul came and hugged me from behind. It just felt like, I don’t need to miss you anymore’. Puppun was shocked to hear this from Laily, whom he had been dating since last 4 years.

Puppun has been in a state of mental trauma due to his Mom’s loss, which happened a month ago and now his girlfriend, whom he blindly trusted for the last 4 years has also ditched him. Puppun was always exposed to drugs as many of his friends were addicts but he was not addicted to any kinda drug. However, lately since all these tragic incidents in his life started to occur, he started taking drugs and got addicted to it. He would just toss and turn on his bed and sometimes just sit awake to scream loudly or shout his frustration out and would breakdown into tears. He used to think and lament on those days when his Mom would scold him for not eating his vegetables and for wasting food on the plate. Every time he would naughtily leave the last fist of rice, uneaten on his plate, waiting for his mum to look at it. Now, he would cut his arm with a blade to  endlessly bleed . At times he would be so high that he would not even be able to walk and would creep to his bed from the washroom. His heart used to shatter into pieces, when he use to think about the days back in college where he had to step out from the State under 19 Cricket Team all because of the love for his betraying girlfriend.

‘Listen, Puppun if you go for the Cricket  selection this year  you would get selected like the previous year. Last year, it was fine , as we did not meet then. But now, you know right, how much I need you; I can’t live without you. So, if you truly love me and want to see me happy you won’t go for the cricket selection this year’. Laily, said to Puppun holding his hands near the college parking area’.
A week later, Puppun directly went to Laily’s house with his entire Cricket kit bag and handed it over to Laily’s Mom and asked her to give it to Laily, and just convey her the message that he would not need them anymore. Her Mom was speechless and before she could actually react anything, Puppun started his bike and rode ahead.

After his Mom’s demise, Puppun was all alone now, he was the only child in the family and brought up by his Mom. He never really saw his Dad, as his Mom and Dad got divorced and separated when he was  18 months old. Since then, his Dad never cared to come back and enquire about his son and neither did Puppun made any attempt or efforts to search or look for his Dad. With accordance to time, Puppun’s grandparents silently took a slumber on death’s lap as they got old. So, since his age of 8 Puppun’s Mom was everything to him, she was more than a best friend with whom he could share his deepest secrets and could afford to ask his most shameless doubt in order to get a parental clarification or Momly guidance.

One night after 4 months of his Mom’s demise and 3 months of his break up incident, Puppun was getting continuous and recurring drug convulsions along with symptoms of withdrawals as he was continuously pushing and was going deadly high on Morphine and moreover, was sleepless since many nights. He went inside his washroom and locked himself for 5-6 hours. He latched the door and just sat beside the toilet pan wondering and thinking how difficult it is to survive without his Mom, he cried there for hours and finally cut his hand with a blade and ended up passing out in the washroom.
Every morning, Puppun would disappointingly open his eyes and would lament on the fact of still being alive. Lately, he has become so restless to kill himself .It was just that he did not have the guts to kill himself at once, until that heinous night. It was as if gradually, he had lost all his will to live and had no will to live anymore. Times, he would go to the nearest medical store and buy any strip of crisp tablets and eat them all in one shot. He would puke, he would pass out anywher.He would fall and sometimes evenpee in his pants and  come back to senses after 18-20 hours. There were times he would open his eyes to wake up on the Hospital bed or in a friend’s house. Puppun’s life gradually became abnormal and he became so pessimist that he was enjoying to live an ignorant socially failure’s cursed life. Long back, he accepted the fact and started self-hypnotizing himself by telling himself that, ‘The Society, people, relations, gatherings  are not made for him. He is just devoid of them and is destined to finish his life within next 6 months and as per his count, 3 months was already done.

It was the last day of the month and Puppun was penniless, as his Mom’s pension from the Central Govt has still not been credited to his bank account. He was eagerly waiting for his Mom’s monthly pension, which would get credited to his account during the 1st week of every month. Puppun did realize that he would be penniless due to his unlimited usage of drugs. He had eaten a proper meal since 2 weeks. He could have eaten all 30 days in a month, but as per his negative psychology, it would be a waste if he would invest his money on discontinued and lively habits like eating good food. In short he was against of taking good care of himself, which he could have easily done with the 20k that he was receiving every month without any fail, as his Mom’s pension money.
It was 6 pm and the mighty sun has just been eaten by the distant horizon, Puppun like his usual habit, had already skipped his afternoon meal and was heading sluggishly to the nearby drug/chemist store to get some more ampules of Morphine in order to compliment the high he was getting by the brown sugar he already had. He got 8-10 ampules of Morphine and couple of new disposable syringes to shoot. It was never required for him to pay anything to the Chemist, as he used to pay him on a monthly basis every month on the 1st week as soon as he would receive the pension money on his account. It was already hazy and quiet blurry for him everywhere around, he also got some smokes from his monthly credit smoke shop and walked back to his room that he has taken on rent after his Mom’s demise. He was getting quick schizophrenic attacks in intervals, on his way back to his room he was able to hear his paranoia against living this life was whispering him to die as if someone was chasing him from behind.

He reached his room, changed his clothes and wrapped his towel around himself . Sometimes he would be nude and sit under the shower after pushing 5-6 ml of Morphine with a joint in his hand. But everytime he would end up crying or cutting himself. Ideally, a balanced or grown up Puppun should have told and consoled himself that, ‘he has to learn live alone, as this is the way life is and the way it moves on…’ and would have tried to divert his mind by doing something creative or anything that he would have liked to do, back then. Or, he could have just returned back to his beloved game of Cricket and could have started the game more seriously. Apparently, things would have settled in his life and he would have led a healthy and normal life. No, but things were different for Puppun; who was getting lost deeper and deeper to lose his identity in his mental shock and setback.

That evening, he drank 3 pegs of whisky and for snacks he consumed few Nitrodiazepam and Valium tablets along with the peg. Hardly able to walk, he somehow managed to reach till his washroom with his towel draped on him, he turned on the shower. He did not sit under the shower, as he had to still load the syringes; to shoot the toxins into his veins. He took out a 10 ml syringe and straight away broke off the bottle to open 2 ampules, as swiftly as any medical practitioner would have done that. He extracted 4 ml of Morphine at once; and again he did the same and reloaded the same amount of Morphine. After that the second ingredient, he broke a bottle of Diazepam injection and extracted a good 2 ml of the sedative fluid. Now in total, he had 10 ml of Morphine punched with Diazepam, which was lethal and venomous to kill any person, who was already high on whiskey and on other tablets. He slowly with stumbling his legs went inside the washroom and sat under the shower, the way he used to sit every time. Then, he tied a tourniquet into his left arm and started to beat his arm, in order to make his veins pop out, which were badly punctured by now due to heavy pushing of drugs. He got the vein, and now he wanted to check the syringe  if there were any air bubbles inside it. As usual, he found some bubbles after all he was not a professional and has never learnt the science dedicatedly. He thought for some seconds, if he should or should not clean it. Finally, he did not beat to clean out the bubble and pushed it in him. With the injected bubble, there was a vacuum created in his vein; which in a second reached to his heart; within no time Puppun got chocked to death on the marble floor with his head laid on some foam, which came out from his mouth. He was successful in committing an ignorant suicide to finish up his life. But, I seriously wonder, if his Soul would be happy or sad now; as his eager soul has returned to become a free bird now.

“Death”

She is my lady love,
Sitting always by my side;
Waiting for me with love,
With her arms open wide.
Like my shadow,
She is somewhere chasing; in every scene.
Even the light fails to betray her;
And in darkness,
Her tender beauty reveals.
Her kingdom, her empire;
Her name is death;
And she doesn’t lie,
She’s never a liar.

She addresses me as her fiancee,
My maiden soul mate since every birth;
Until the eternity collapses in me.
She has silently proposed me so many times;
Making me realize of her existence,
Someday of her certain presence.

There are times,
When she just wants to touch me,
Hug me and kiss me closely.
Her delay gets confirmed through a simple ‘No’,
or a simple thanks.
And I lingeringly say to her,
Honey, let’s save it for the day when we’ll finally meet,
To make our honeymoon a warm greet.

She never gets turned off;
Neither gets angry on me,
With a fading smile always in her face,
Which never really completely defuses to fade;
She has only bid sweet goodbye’s to me till now.

She is my lady love,
Sitting always by my side;
Waiting for me with love,
With her arms open wide.
My end will be in her kingdom, her empire,
In her arms;
Her name is death;
And she doesn’t lie,
She’s never a liar.