“If I told you what I was,
Would you turn your back on me?
And if I seem dangerous,
Would you be scared?
I get the feeling just because
Everything I touch isn’t dark enough
That this problem lies in me”
The song keeps repeating on loop and I start writing this final chapter.
It’s been days since I have slept peacefully. There’s only one image that has been running in my mind. your deliquescent smile you throw at me. i was already dead before I came across you, and now I die a death everyday rewinding that moment in my mind. I may have never told you this, but I am a big fan of body language inspired by “The Mentalist.” I have realized, in fact I know that this is leading to nowhere. Yes, I have not even talked to you face to face but I have fallen for you. And now, if I take a step further, there’s no turning back. If I take a step back, I will fall in the slump that took years together for me to come out of. I cannot escape you unless you show me how. You curbed my demons all these days and I wanted to be a better person just for you. Alas, that’s what I thought. I cannot impose my ocean of feelings on you. I am not that unfair. I have decided that I will drain out the feelings one bucket at a time.
Also Read Marinara – Episode 7
It will be hard, but I don’t want you to suffer when I go all out for you. I will control myself, stop staring at you through the glass window across the floor, stop writing about you, control my urge to spend the rest of my life with you. You may ask why? I don’t have no reason. You are just being kind to me, appreciating the fact that I have made you my muse. Fact is, you are just not my muse, you mean much more to me. And I want to be much more than a secret admirer. I can see it in your eyes, the belonging for someone. Unfortunately, it’s not for me. And I will slowly come to terms with that. I am not a coward, I don’t talk to you because that would have made me fall for you even more. I am passionate, that is my only weakness. I don’t give up on people I love. And I am at that juncture where it’s a beautiful life ahead with you or the darkness I hate so much. It’s not your fault that I want to love you, admire your every fault and laugh at your every silly joke. I don’t want your kindness, I don’t want your sympathy, all I want from is you to love me the way I do. That is quite close to impossible. So, why prolong it?
I accept it will be hard, perhaps the hardest thing I have ever done. I don’t even know how I’ll I do it. But I will try. I will not be a liability on you. I think I love you, now but I will kill that feeling, I promise. I am just a writer after all, and writers are after all not meant to be loved. Go ahead and find your life, find your place, find your dreams turning into reality. I need to quit on you because I end up killing myself every single day I don’t I find what I am searching in your mesmerizing eyes.
I don’t hate you.
I guess, I love you too much. I don’t know from when.
I will cry a bit, perhaps in my mother’s lap or on my father’s shoulders.
But this is the right thing to do. I don’t want to hurt you with my overflowing love.
Shit! This is already so hard.
“Don’t want to let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don’t wanna hide the truth”
I have seen in you that you have nothing for me. You should treat me like garbage now. Although, I will never do that. MARINARA will always be alive, in my words, inside me, just not with me like I had imagined in my numerous dreams. I don’t believe in religion, God, humanity, if there was one thing I believed it was that I could be ‘perfect’ with you.
Hope you find what you seek because I know it fucking hurts when you don’t
……I need to let you go.
Shit! I fucking already miss you.