She knew she would not care. Wasn’t she the most tough girl eh, sorry, woman in the world?
She almost did not remember him today. It was not like she was in love with him or anything… It was barely a month since they had known each other. Not a lot right. Not enough for love to blossom in the not-so-young hearts that were laden with cracks and messed up with innumerous griefs the world had inflicted upon them.
‘I’m just infatuated with him, I don’t think I even like him that much’, she thought. Are infatuations even common at the age of 35? Weren’t they a little too old for that? Infatuation is for teenagers. Then what could this be?
‘Gosh, he smokes like a chimney! Makes himself difficult to live with. Once he comes back, I’m not going to put up with him for long’.
‘Why the hell did he have to make an appearance in my dream? He is enjoying his peace of mind and wants to ruin mine… Such a cheat!’ she thought as she tried her best to shake away his thoughts and get ready so she could head out to work. She had a company to run. She better steer clear of any distractions.
Later that day-
‘What exactly was my dream by the way? I know he was in it… Damn! Don’t seem to remember now’, she mused as she pecked at her lunch alone in her cabin. It does get lonely as you head up the ladder!
She checked her phone. She had deleted his messages when he had said that he was leaving for a meditation camp for 10 days. He was going to be away and she didn’t need to see his name every time she opened WhatsApp to text someone. But now she pulled up his profile again. There he was looking handsome as ever. Tall and lean with a crop of jet black hair matching his black suit and tie and she sighed.
‘I have a long nose don’t I?’ he had said to her once at a bar, flirtatiously drawing very close to her, almost touching the sensitive skin behind her ear with his very nose. She felt the warmth of his breath create delicious tingles all over her body.
‘Yes, you do’, she had whispered in a husky voice, all thanks to the effect he had on her. It had taken her every ounce of effort to stop herself from leaning in close and kissing him at the side of that very long nose.
Now looking at it made her pine for him. ‘Stop acting like a love struck chimp’, she chastised herself. ‘There is no room for love in your life. It was your decision. Career it is.’
And then she noticed his luscious lips… The ones that were on hers, tasting her. And she wanted to kiss him all over again.
Was it the 5th day or 6th or did his meditation camp start just a day back. She wanted to kick herself for behaving like an egoistic prude and not asking him when his classes commenced and when it would end. Now she had to wait for him based on her predictions.
‘I hate this. I hate the world. Why am I missing him so much? And why is it choking me?’
That day at work, she glared at her screen for hours together without realizing that the screen had turned blank and there were tears in her eyes. She missed him. Oh! So much. The feel of chest and his dark hair under her fingers, the passion it triggered in her, the heady smell of his perfume, the way he had carried and pinned her against the wall…. she was sure it was just lust. She had been so sure. But why was she crying now. Can someone miss a person as much as I miss him?
‘No way… I must be pmsing. It’s just a mood swing.’
He was on her mind all day. And before bed time she called his number. Just in case he happened to pick. She listened expectantly not knowing how she would react if he did pick her call. They never called each other to have a conversation. What would she say if he asked her why she had called? He had told her to stay away from him for a month. She would be embarrassed to accept that she had been desperate enough to call him before even 5 days of the stipulated period was up?
His phone was switched off. Her face fell.
She realized she was prepared to let go of her ego and seem desperate if she could just hear him once.
Her dreams featured him again, this time she remembered. They both had been texting each other like they used to before she messed things up.
‘No I definitely don’t love him. I barely know anything about him. Maybe I’m fascinated with my version of him. I’ve twisted his image around to reflect myself in him.
I can’t be sure until I know him better.
You’re a practical person don’t fall for some fallacy termed love. It’s an illusion. Snap out of it.’
She made her mind up to concentrate on her work and she did it effectively.
But it was the nights that haunted her. ‘You haven’t really understood me, have you?’ she clearly remembered his accusation. Something he had told her while she was leaving after meeting him.
‘I want to understand him, I just need another chance. I hope I have not fucked things up between us’, she was a brute when it came to words. Using them without caution. Who did that? Grown-ups didn’t do that.
Would he still want her after he got back? She would not want herself back… So she would understand if he decided not to want her back too. She knew she was missing him a little too much today. ‘But after every peak comes the drop’, she thought before sleeping.
Dont Miss: Shriya
She woke up feeling irritated. Like the past few days he was again the first thought on her mind. But today she was more positive. ‘He smokes too much. Smokers are way too insensitive. I cannot let someone like that into my life. It’s a strict no.’
‘He is trying to manipulate me… His friends had warned me about his manipulative side. I’m not going to let that happen.’ Her mind seemed to have come up with a defense system against her will.
It managed to keep him out of her thoughts and focus on work, and boy did she crack some deals. Satisfied with the day’s accomplishment she retired to bed.
She was sure now that it had not been pms which was making her miss him. He would be back soon. It looked like she was in better control of her emotions. Her work, which had taken a back seat during the initial days when she spiralled into a brooding mess for him, was now back on track. But there was a constant nag at the back of her mind.
‘I’ll tell him never to leave me again’
‘I’ll tell him I missed him a lot’
‘I’ll tell him I want to make love to him all day and all night’
‘I’ll tell him I’m sorry’
‘I’ll never let him leave again’
‘I’ll be away for 10 days he had told her when they had lain in each other’s arms.
‘Huh’ she barely reacted. ‘What for?’
‘I’m going for a meditation camp.’
It was all she could do to not burst out laughing. ‘What you want to be a monk or something…’
And she saw the seriousness in his eyes.
‘Are you sure? Or you’re meeting your gf. If that’s so then you can tell me I have no problem’, she had asked, a little skeptical.
‘I don’t have time for ONE. And you’re talking about me having ANOTHER’, she had ignored his comment then. But now thinking about it, she recalled that he had referred to her as his gf. Omg! How could I have been so stupid not to have realized at the time what he had said? How would he have felt about me ignoring his reference?
She should have stopped him from going. She should have asked him to stay.
I wish I could go back 10 days and change what happened that day…
God she missed him.
She missed how his body had felt on hers… Warm, soft and hard.
Another day… just one more day and he will be out of the center. Just hang on, she consoled her aching heart which had started pining for him right from the time she woke up. She stayed awake all night until 4 am.
He should be out today.
‘Don’t let me fall in love with you’, she had told him once as they sat talking in the car. ‘I don’t believe in an everlasting love and I do not want to lose my sense of purpose by pursuing something as worthless as love’, she had told him.
What if he took her words seriously and would never want to meet her again? What would she do then?
‘Would I go on loving him?’
‘Maybe I would.’ Her feelings towards him were of the purest form.
‘Did I just say love? I did, didn’t I?’
Yes, you could say I love him. But I know this is not true love. It’s the love that’s for the present. She had no expectation from him, nothing selfish. She just needed his presence at the present. She didn’t need promises for the future, didn’t need materialistic things, and didn’t care for what he did or how he looked. She knew it because when he had told her that he would come back with a shaved head, she had told him that she would never see him again. But now she knew that she wanted to love him at any cost. She wanted to even plant a million kisses on his bald head.
Every time she looked at her phone to check if she had received his message or even if he had checked his message. She waited all day but there was nothing. He should have been home by noon.
By evening she had a terrible headache, she wanted to cry but tears had failed her. They had dried up long back. When she got back home she felt like a brick was placed on her heart. So she curled up into a tight ball and waited for the tears to come. And they eventually did.
‘Hey! Its been a month. How about catching up? I so want to see you’, his text read.
‘Sorry… You were too late. I’m not in the same space anymore nor do I wish to go back. Bye!’ she replied.