Every so often I descend into a phase that goes from regret to self-accusation. The anxieties sometimes keep me up all night, and at other times, all of a sudden reduce me to a teary eyed, adamant child. When this happens most of the time I’m put off by people saying that I must be going through PMS, and sometimes I wonder if they are right, but when my anxiety extends to more than 2-3 weeks, I realize it’s something more. What makes me anxious? I was thinking hard one day during one of these panic attacks and I decided to jot them down.
1. Anxieties About Struggle:
I think about the struggles that I have faced as a girl, as a woman- the struggles being both personal as well as professional and honestly, even in today’s so-called modern world, being born a woman means, we have to start with a score of negative 10, compared to men who start with a 0. This makes women wish and hope that they were born as men instead (it’s always good to start off with an advantage or without disadvantage). Sometimes, being a woman in the male dominated society makes me feel like I am a third world country that is being tossed around and taken advantage of by the first world countries, its capitalists and politicians. I know this is a bit too far and I’m pushing it with my analogy, but how can we stop feeling that way? It’s pretty hard.
2. About Insecurities:
There are other times when I’m just sick and tired of trying too hard- to be a better person.
So many times we feel we are not good enough, not being competitive enough, not pushy enough, not driven enough… and at times these feelings are so strong, it hits me like a knockout punch in my gut and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and lie down on the floor, away from everyone, away from the curious glances gauging me all the time, trying to figure what’s wrong with me.
3. On Communication
At times communication is one hell of a pain in the @#$. We sometimes just don’t want to talk to anyone, stop all communication and be lost in our thoughts, in work, in the internet, in our imaginations etc. But we cannot. Because our societal ties with people in the world always gets us back to communicating. There are times when I feel I’m being forced to open my mouth and speak… but all that comes out are few incoherent words stringed together in the form of sentences. At such times, a part of me jumps out of my body, and looks down at the jabbering pithy woman who is trying so hard to be social, and pleads, “Woman, stop being so fake!”
4. Social Media Anxieties
Barring snapchat, I’m active on all the social media accounts. Why? I have no damn clue. Every time I open any of these accounts, all I get to see are people who are doing better than me. And what do I feel?
Instead of being an entertainment and distraction from my normal depressing life, it becomes a source of more depression.
“So the guy who is younger than me, and started out at the same level as me, is now a proud owner of a successful enterprise…!”
“The girl who is my classmate is traveling to different places every week! All I do is go to work every day sincerely and write sometimes. Wow. I’m proud of my life. FML.”
Sometimes, I want to close all the accounts. But then I have this strong desire to conform to the societal norms and huge @$$ FMO.
5. Marriage Anxieties
“So when are you planning to get married?”
Each time I hear this sentence, I want to throw whatever is in my hand, right at their stunned faces. Yeah! That’s exactly how I feel. But what do I do instead? Smile contritely and reply “Not sure yet. Will see… Maybe a year or two,” and escape. And then the whole day I spend being grumpy. Why? Because the whole world is getting married and settled, but not Me.
6. Post Marriage Anxieties
Post marriage thoughts are the worst. The ‘what ifs’ that fill a girl’s head are crazy.
What if I’m a horrible wife? What if my in-laws don’t like me? What if I can’t be a good mother? What if I lose my job and my husband doesn’t respect me anymore? What if as partners we don’t have fun anymore? What if we get stuck in a rut and he cheats on me in future? What if, what if, what if….
7. On Growing Old
Growing old is the greatest dread in a woman’s life.
“What if I grow old? I can see those lines at the corners of my mouth and eyes. Oh! God. I’m not pretty anymore. I cannot take pictures. My hair is turning grey! When I turn old, there are going to be so many young women who can replace me and will be happy to do so. How do I age gracefully? I need to be able to do so. But it’s not easy. I’m not going to be the same. I will not be fun, I will not be spontaneous. I will just be wise and intelligent with all the world’s experiences, but that would be boring. Also, what if I cannot stay updated with the current world technologies and trends? I will lose my job. I will no longer be useful in this world. WAAAAAAAANNN!”
Oh hell! That brings me to another worry.
8. On Making Money
We need to be able to make as much money as possible as long as we are young and smart and capable of handling things. It’s a man’s world after all. Blink, and you lose!
So these are most of my worries. If you have anything to add.. go ahead put them in the comments section.