“I’m only a man with a candle to guide me,
I’m taking a stand to escape what’s inside me.
A monster, a monster,
I’ve turned into a monster,
A monster, a monster,
And it keeps getting stronger.”
Also Read Marinara – Episode 1
These words from “Monster” by Imagine Dragons described my situation in the best possible manner. I was bedazzled and yet at the same time perplexed, in awe of her and yet afraid, imagined her yet bit reality in the most hurtful manner. Well, she was real. My mind had just diverted from her towards an illusion because it thought nothing would ever happen. I would never hold her hand, see her uncharted smile and walk through the treacherous road called life. It was a trick played by my mind. So, now after two days after fighting a battle with reality and illusions, I knew she existed. Deep inside, I was rolling in bundles of joy. What if she just treated me like some un-manufactured disposable syringe, that was no reason for my mind to be so hellish with me. MARINARA was for real, she was perfect. My brain was not.
Also Read Marinara – Episode 2
I started writing about her, made her my muse. My three pending scripts were on hold for almost a month. All I could write was about her. It felt rejuvenating actually. It felt like the first drop of water on the lips of a man who has walked though the desert searching for an oasis. Sometimes, you just have to let it be, let your feelings rupture keeping in mind it does not rupture the concerned. Now, you might think I am so confused, so disturbed. I will tell you that I was, I am not anymore. I do not know what will happen, but I do know what is happening. She illuminates my day every time I steal a smile from her. Those eyes silently tell me that I am a better person. Her presence in my radius makes me want to admire her and the people around me. She does not make me sad, she only sprouts whatever good is left inside me. She may not know or she may prefer to ignore the fact. Fact was, along with a muse I had found my elixir.
Also Read Marinara – Episode 3
What she chooses, is left to her. What I choose is left to me. And I chose to just admire her, not just because she was beautiful or her presence dignified me. It was something I could not explain. And even if i tried to, I would not to do justice.
Although, I was still unsure about my mind. The gap between the unreal and reality still existed.
Also Read Marinara – Episode 4
‘How do you know she is real?’ You may ask me.
I will tell you, ‘It doesn’t matter anymore. For you I may be insane, for her I may be non existent, but for myself I am alive after so many years.’
The other day she did even message me asking me ‘Who is MARINARA?’ Yo see, that’s not her real name. That’s what I prefer to call her. The message came from an unknown source. No phone number, no IP address, no source of origin. Was it my mind playing a trick again?
I looked into the mirror and smiled. ‘Am I for real or I am an illusion too?’ I asked. I plucked the memory strand from inside me where she was smiling. That could not have been real. It was too heavenly to be real, that conquering smile.
Please help me if you are reading this, I am so fucked up. My mind is fucking the hell out of me!
To be continued…
Also Read Marinara – Episode 6
Priya Ravinder
A(a)kash
